A memory for my Pensieve

20160730_215920I am a Ravenclaw. My favorite subject is Charms, and I am particularly adept at producing a corporeal Patronus (it’s a Golden, er, silver Retriever). Potions is a close second; my current project is to brew a perfect batch of Felix Felicis over the next six months. I own a snowy owl as well as a purple Pygmy Puff.

I am, most assuredly, a Potterhead. I’ve loved the Wizarding World since I was 11, and J.K. Rowling and her incredibly detailed universe captured my imagination like nothing else. However, in spite of all the times I tried Levitating my shuttlecock instead of hitting it with my badminton racket, in spite of all the scrapbooks and zillions of sketches of Harry I made on the last page of every notebook, in spite of reading the books over and over till I could recite the chapters off my head – I have, for the most part, been a Potterhead in isolation.

Growing up, I have been laughed at, mocked, and gently rebuked for this obsession of mine. I’ve been reminded, multiple times, that this is all just a distraction, and I need to focus on reality. I lived in a world without midnight release parties, without crowds around me clamoring for new books the way I was – I grew up feeling different, feeling like I wasn’t understood – pretty much like every Muggle-born witch before she gets her Hogwarts letter. I grew up with my magic intact, but just better-concealed. Over the years, I have cultivated a casual, ‘oh yeah, I guess I like Harry Potter’ attitude, even though I know that deep down in my heart, it lives on in all its obsessive, many-splendored glory. In true Ginny fashion, I gave other stories a chance, became more comfortable in my skin, more myself – and yet, never truly gave up on Harry.

Yesterday evening, on the eve of Harry and Rowling’s birthday, I attended one of the many many midnight release parties for Harry Potter and The Cursed Child. And it was a revelation. People of all ages were running across the bookstore on scavenger hunts to find Horcruxes and Fantastic Beasts, making glittery wands for themselves, and playing across a giant chessboard. We all tried on the Sorting Hat, we decorated and left out socks for the House Elves (Hermione would be proud!), guessed the number of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans packed into the Triwizard Cup, and with the whole place decorated with House banners, owls and Dementors, Hedwig’s theme playing in the background – it was completely magical. I couldn’t help squealing for joy when I popped into the girls’ bathroom and found a troll. Such attention to detail! There was a Muggle wall, where everyone had put up lightning-bolt-shaped, funny, poignant, heart-felt messages about what Harry Potter has meant to them. This was it, in this moment in time… I found my tribe, my people. Yes, we were all crazy, but in the best possible way. And isn’t it absolutely incredible that one woman can write a story of such epic proportion that she inspires millions of people to dress up in robes, sport scars and flourish wands – one woman, causing such multi-generational mass hysteria! If that isn’t magic, I don’t know what is. Being there, celebrating Rowling and her world, surrounded by people who were unapologetically reveling in their mutual wizardry – it felt like coming home. Finally being wholly accepted, and celebrated for who I was , what I loved… after all these years, I’d finally made it to Hogwarts. All was well.

Unapologetically pink!

Historical romances with happy endings, 

Princesses, ballrooms, and dukes condescending, 

Movies from Disney, books with covers pink, 

These are a few of my favorite things!

There, I said it. I have an ever-growing romance with love stories, a romance which I’m rather coy about, a romance which I suspect is too superfluous for me, a romance whose extent I try to keep under wraps – and treat as a guilty pleasure.

It all started when I turned four and firmly toppled in love with Disney movies. I figure one is expected to leave behind the wide-eyed idealism and belief in the power of Twue Wuv after a certain stage (moody and misunderstood teenage seems about the right stage for that). While I like to think I’m a little more worldly-wise and cynical now, I can’t deny that a big part of me still lives in the world of make-believe.

Eventually I started getting my daily dose of Happy Endings from romcoms and romance novels (there are only a finite number of Disney movies after all). But I’ve always felt that loving love isn’t something I should be too vocal about – when people ask me what I like, I usually prattle off a list of books and authors carefully chosen from other genres, but it takes a lot more guts to ‘fess up to my addiction to romance. My reasoning being that I’m a smart well-educated scientist being trained to deal with facts, logic, and rational thought, and I ought to be reading deeper and more meaningful literature about life, the universe, and everything – real people, problems, and issues at hand as compared to the romance genre, which has no great literary plot devices, is rather frivolous and ANY person can read and understand. Romance has become my ultimate secret indulgence.

But you know what? All that ends right now. The truth is: I don’t love romance in spite of being a rational scientist, but because I am a rational scientist. Because I’m supposed to deal with cold hard facts, believe only what is tangible and quantifiable, reason out conclusions based in logic and critical analysis … perhaps my profession is all the more reason to seek escape is frivolous romance with its unrealistic tales of impulsive (and frankly, implausible) courage, perfectly imperfect protagonists and guaranteed happy endings.

And yes, it’s not just the unrealistically wonderful parts which I love but also the seemingly insurmountable obstacles. Something bewildering, a feeling of hopelessness, of pain which keeps the female lead struggling for several chapters. While that makes me ache, it reminds me that problems exist, no matter what universe one inhabits. And even that is satisfying because I know that somehow the power of love will overcome it all. There’s a sense of reassurance that if right now your life is going through hardships, if it’s not making you laugh and smile and joyful to the brim … well, that’s because your story is still going on. These are your Seemingly Insurmountable Obstacles to overcome, and with time, effort, and determination borne of love or revenge or just a burning desire to prove oneself – you will reach your Happy Ending.

So yes, since this is the month of love, I figured I’d jump onto the bandwagon and proclaim mine: love stories, my love for love stories, and ultimately self-acceptance and love. To accept the person I am, accept the silly frivolous side of me along with the rational one, and to love myself, just the way I am. To stop worrying and over-analyzing the kind of person I ought to be, the kind of things I should be interested in – to cut myself some slack and live the way I want to, love the way I want to. I’m pretty certain self-acceptance is the right step on the path to my happily ever after. I’ll make sure of that.

Re-re-reading!

Reading a new book is like a roller coaster ride – the swoops and thrills, the fluttering in the stomach, the screaming, the thumping hearts, and the sheer giddiness of it all. Reading a new book is a joy, an exploration, a discovery. You don’t know what’s next, and what it’ll be like, but as long as it’s there, you’re along for the ride, and lovin’ every moment of it.

Re-reading a book, by contrast, might sound utterly boring. Where’s the newness, you’ll ask. Where’s the excitement? You already know what’s going to happen, where’s the suspense?! All I can say is, yes, re-reading is not a roller coaster ride. Re-reading a favorite story is like a walk in your neighbourhood park. You know where exactly the see-saw is, you know the kids who play there every evening, their carefree laughter and games. You know the mothers who bring their adorable babies in prams, the best spot to watch the sun set. Yes, there’s no adrenaline rush here. But you still go to the park once in a while, to relax, to unwind … just because it’s old and familiar.

So while reading something for a very first time is an experience in itself, it’s nice to re-read … and then re-re-read … go back to what is predictable and known, go back to something warm and comfortable. It’s like going back home and being hugged by your mom. Like drinking warm milk on a cold winter night. Like finding an old sweater in the attic, the one which you used to wear all the time a few years ago, and putting it on again, and even though it’s a little too snug now, it feels soft and warm and so comforting.

And therein lies my justification for reading my favorite books over and over again. 🙂